I’m Not a Vegan, I Use Bottled Shampoo… and I Just Want a Good Girlfriend

A few of my Ainakoa girls :)

I would describe myself as a social person. Maybe it’s partly because I’m the oldest child, and my sister was always particularly quiet — I was the one who spoke the most in our family. But it wasn’t until around sixth grade that I started having difficulty keeping friends, as everyone was going through their own growing pains.

Through the rest of middle school and high school, I made really strong friendships — but interestingly, my closest friends weren’t necessarily friends with each other. I’m sure there’s a reason the universe did that, though I still haven’t figured out why. I love my friends from that time in my life and always will. BUT…I definitely envied the people who had big groups of friends who all spent time together like one big family.

During my gap year and college, I met friends I consider lifelong. In Hawaii, I lived in a house with six other girls, and we became more like sisters. That time and bond will always be sacred to me. Then…the pandemic hit. We were all dispersed so quickly — honestly, that was one of the worst heartbreaks I’ve experienced. Far worse than any breakup. Maybe not as bad as when my cat, Ivy, died — but close.

ANYWAY… now, as an adult out of college, I find it particularly hard to make good girlfriends! I see people I knew in high school who went to the same college, have the same friend group, and now all live in either LA or NY together — and I think that’s so cool. But at the same time, I’m proud of my choice not to follow the crowd into typical college life and instead choose a path that felt right for me. Still, that path can sometimes feel lonely because there aren’t many people who fully get it.

Coming from a family full of women and having such a close relationship with my sister, I hold very high standards for my friendships. I’m close with my partner, his family, and our community, but there’s nothing like feeling seen by someone who’s moving through life at the same rhythm as you. The laughter, the trust, the vulnerability to be your true self — that’s priceless.

Sometimes, I worry I’m either too American or not hippy enough. I’m not a vegan, but I love a good veggie burger. While I like wearing makeup, I don’t do it every day. I love having my nails done but never do it regularly. I love to cook, but I’m not interested in almond flour or trendy substitutions. I care about natural living, but I still use bottled shampoo and conditioner. I care about the environment too — but I hate to admit, I still sometimes use styrofoam. 

Maybe I’m just so deeply rooted in my local community that I feel far from people who grew up the way I did. It’s like I’m floating between worlds and not fully fitting in either. I also wonder if I’ve become so cozy in my little routines and bubble that I don’t push myself out enough. I love my little life here…but GOD, I want a good girlfriend.

I’ve met incredible women along the way, but sometimes those friendships fizzle out or end up not being the right fit. And then there are the times I meet someone who feels just too cool for me. I say that with humility — I know I bring a lot to a friendship. Maybe that’s part of the problem: I give so much, and I’m often left feeling disappointed when I don’t receive the same energy in return. I hope that doesn’t sound self-absorbed — it’s just honest.

I’ve tried setting little goals for myself, like going to workout classes… but, side note, I really don’t love them. They remind me of being barked at back in my softball days. (Maybe I’ll save that for another Thursday blog post!) Social media is helpful for making connections, but often those friendships stay trapped behind a screen.

One of my Hawaii girls recently told me she’s going through the same thing after moving to a new town. She mentioned an app called Bumble BFF, and I thought, what a great idea. Maybe I’ll look into it, but also that seems really staged. 

There are so many exciting things happening in life, and I have so much love to give. I know the right person or people will come. But I do wonder… how many others feel this way, not just after college, but at any age?